you know what i miss ? those times when i used to have huge smiles and those were sincerely mine. its not like i never have huge smiles anymore, it's just that its different. its not that adorable anymore and not even sincere. it has a difference. and everyone knows that. i wish i could call those smiles and asked them to stay, but i couldn't. things that happened made them go away just like that, without even saying goodbye.
to be honest, ive really changed. from what i was last year, to some kind of trash i am right now. but too bad nobody knows that. okay, at least i'm not that social-able anymore. but, my attitude how i look like, how i talk, how everything worked out isn't the same and i do need to tell you it's horrible, worst than usual. if its better then i wouldn't be like this, i wouldn't be so depressed about this small thing. okay maybe its not a small thing, but people do think its small.
i don't know, people don't seem to understand what ive been trying to say this whole time. and honestly, its hard to actually explain and to even express to people. i'm not expecting people to only understand myself but i do want someone who knows me and could understand me, could understand why am i like this the whole time. why couldn't i be normal like everyone else. why couldn't i.
its not easy to be me. i'm suddenly too choosy about choosing friends. i have never been like this until something made me be like that. okay, i'm too cheesy and i'm not even nice. not even close. why is that happening to me? the answer? i dont know. as simple as that, i dont even get the point why. ya Allah, if only someone understands. its even hard to write these kind of things in my blog, nor a diary.
I would have posted a lot by now, but I didn't. everything went very hard, i was too depressed. i kept on thinking about things i shouldn't. i kept on thinking what people thought about me.. and that's not what people supposed to do. i'm to arrogant. and i don't like it. you wouldn't believe me. how my class is actually a monster. they're judgemental freaks i tell you. they kept on searching for my wrong doings while they did so many things that made me hate them more.
hatred feelings to everyone is increasing. and of course that's not a good thing. if only someone understands. how people are actually using me for some benefits. and they only come to me when they fight with someone, or when their friends go to someone else, or even when they're alone and nobody likes them. i'm a robot, i have no feelings yeap. i wish that everyone could go like " hey sara, are you okay? you seem like you're not. come here, share with me, i could help?"
but hey,dream on sara, there will no one who'd go and do that to me. i'm some kind of jerk that everyone hates and i need to face the fact that its true. from the first step, i can't believe i wasted my tears for so many useless things and i'm still doing it. can you imagine that? you wouldn't know what kind of craps ive been facing through and if you were me, you wouldn't go and tell anyone about it, cuz you'll end up having dried mouth. too many to talk about. and youll end up having sins cuz you'll curse a lot.
so the conclusion is, i could not tell you what shit i ve been facing through until now, but it is worse than ever. it's like endless. and im currently, blowned out. i dont know what to do. i need someone, i sure need someone. but no, no one is that someone. every single time i tend to talk about something i really love to someone i trust, they'd go like they don't care. and it hurts a lot but i couldn't show it to them. looks like my feelings were never important.
you know those feelings when you felt like crying in front of everyone and feel like grabbing a microphone and tell them how i really felt. screaming and shouting to everyone. telling how hurt you are this whole time. but hey thats impossible. i dont even have strength to do something close than that. i could only stay clam and just shut my freaking mouth like nothing actually happened.
but hey what happened and whats happening is making my stronger. one day, i wanna prove to everyone, that they're wrong. trust me.